i've found a flame in the burnt out ashes

funny how things work. ya know when theres something really important to confront, and its not really solved, and no matter how hard you try, it just keeps popping up everywhere?

i went on gmail, with intent to find a picture of my collarbone xray. not relaly sure why. anyway, i ended up finding all these emails we had sent each other back and forth. mostly between us when you were at the bronx or something. like the one with the picture of the llama you sent me via picturephone, and said "buy this for your amazing girlfriend!". or the one you sent me from your NJ place, that shows you and your bare shoulders...and all those emails we sent back and forth while i was chile, starting with the one titled "is this thing on?" which i thought and still think its endlessly clever. haha. the list goes on, i could probably recite 20 of those emails verbadum, and the rest ive read and re-read, a million times over the summer whenever i missed you, before i went to bed and you werent here so i could hopefully dream about you...

just reading those makes me smile. its obvious how head over heels we were about each other. just so damn intense, ya know? thats the word for it. "intense". (where people sleep).

and just reading those makes me alittle bit sad. a little bit nostalgic. alittle bit "what happened to those days?". when i'd come home from the work and the very best part of my day was checking my email to see if you had written me anything. and then reading it 100 times, imagining you saying those words to me in person, imagining how you'd say it, a thousand variations, and id focus n everything, the inflection here, alittle snark there, a laugh and a smile you smiled with your whole body there...

innocent is another good word. i remember seeing you looking up at me with that smile, this huge smile that showed your white little teeth and your eyes would be gently closed, hands on my chest, leaning into me. grinning up at me like a little kid reciving the best christmas present ever, excpet maybe alittle bit happier. i can think of a million times when you smiled at me like that. and how damn good it felt to see you do that. the way id smile before i even knew i was doing it, and how there was absoltely nothing that could take that feeling away from me. not a thing. in those two seconds that would give me that full body smile, i couldnt see past your face, or anything else in the room but you.

the way we'd almost suck the air out of each others lungs when we kissed, and the feeling that no matter how close i got to you, it was never close enough, my hands couldnt hold enough of you, and the world would collapse into this one room, this one space that exactly outlined two loving bodies tangled up so complexly they appeared to merge into one.

the way youd look at me with that stare of amazment and humor when i said or did something alittle zaney.

the way you said my name.

that intensity.

your face.

part of me feels almost like an idiot, some creep who isnt strong enough to let go, just another random guy just like the other 100 who has a crush on you. but i still love you.