prophecies

so here we are, right? things are looking up. i know how i feel. i learned my lesson, thought my self through. admitted my mistakes, admitted my short comings. haven't done that in long time, so thats all a good thing. i realized what im missing, and realized how much i want to be back with you. and we kissed, and we have fun together. so things are looking up.

i hope.

somehow no matter how many times i say that, i don't believe it. not totally anyway.

its like some shadow lurking around every smile and every sentence we both say. and everytime we laugh we laugh a little bit too loud, and every touch feels just a bit tense. every glance a little sad and every word a little bit too reluctant.

call it busted trust.

i made a few stickers back in the day about it. back when i dabbled with graffiti. inspired by an unfaithful girlfriend, the split from loyalty was brought on by a few too many alcoholic drinks during a particularly festive new years. the design actually came out pretty sick, if to say the colors were not thought thru, altho i dont have the stencil anymore. last day of the last semester of my first failure at uri, i put everything, paint, sketches, ntoebooks, stencils, and markers into a few boxes and hucked them into some random dumpster, its contents long since destroyed in an ungrand finale of smoke and fire at some landfill.

but yeah, i digress.

im here now. by that i mean i'm here. standing infront of you. waiting. ive said my pieces. i know what i want. you.

but i remember the whole thing. keeps playing through my head like a goddamn black and white film, specks of dust blurring the image like the tears that blurred my sight. some frames missing, jumping ahead to an emotionally violent scene with fragment of audio blasting through, sending a shot of adrenaline and alittle bit of implosion through my blood everytime, only to suddenly cut off, rendering the next scene deceivingly silent, as if great damage was being done behind soundproof glass. locked inside a movie theatre, unable to stop the film from playing, disturbed at what i saw, terrified of what comes next, only i know becuase im the fucking director....

i watch myself come into your house, and here myself tell you that its over. just...out of the blue, in your eyes. audo cuts out there and i see my lips move, but i know what i say, and i know i tell you that i dont love you anymore, and i want to be alone. its like i can sit in that theatre and yell and scream at the film, saying "dont do it!". because i know now that was just wrong. that was just stupid. that was one of those things i look back on and go "where did that come from? that was not me." and also one of those things that no matter how many times i realize it was a mistake, the reprocussions may very well be permanent. i throw an otherwise perfect relationship into the gutter, and part of myself along with it. and probably part of you. and i caused tons of hurt, some to myself, but mostly to you. and i stop there.

call it busted trust. the idea that one person who loved another comes along and does such a thing. now how do you trust that person again?

you don't. i see it everytime you look at me. every single fucking time.

and i can tell that when i say i love you, you don't believe me.

so anyway. here i stand, and ive said my piece, made my move, and waiting to see where your piece falls. and i'm tearing myself to pieces, becuase i know there is a very decent chance, and i very understandable and rational probability that you will just walk away. i feel like part of you already has. and if thats what you want to do i cannot and willnot blame you for it. why would you want to come back to me after what i did to you?

its your call. if you want to leave me for a while and let me stew over all this: fine. if you want to leave me forever becuase youve stewed over it enough: ____. got no words for that.

how could i just walk away from you? how could i just let you go? i couldn't. can't you see that?

im at your mercy. whatever you say flies. i have no room to argue, i have no place to say your wrong, and i have no buisness telling you to stay when in everyones eyes, the trust has been busted.

now I'M the one sick of pretending. i dont want a shadow of doubt to linger over everything anymore. i can't pretend everything is fine and dandy when know its not. your call. just one favor, and i mean it so much i want to scream it. if you're going to leave, don't lead me on. please don't.

but. if that favor went ungranted, it would definetly be poetic justice.

what the hell have i done?

perhaps this is all a bit irrational.