when good times go bad...

sometimes you're sure of things. you'll find the times you're most sure of things are times when you're doing the wrong things. and when you feel like you're flailing through life, swimming upstream, or just treading water in a really big storm, those are the times you make the right decisions. i kinda think people are better decision makers when the life they know is in peril, and they know it is in peril. maybe its just going with instinct, or maybe its becuase you've alreadyygiven up, so you just say "screw it" and put your faith in faith and just go with the most obvious decision. the razor, right?

whatever. but for whatever reason, you go thru hell. and you keep going. someone famous said that. "if you're gonna go thru hell, keep going". and its kinda true, becuase after all the stupid decisions you make, and all the idiot things you say and do under the guise of "intelligence", "rationality", or "self-assuredness", you come out alive. and yeah, you probably feel like a fool, and you may have even made a fool of yourself...but halfway thru hell, you took a moment,realized things were sh**ting the bed, and just gave up. that moment of giving up is where everything good happens. for me, i think of it as giving up, consciously or not, and just being like "god, im clearly inept at the wheel, so just show me where to go. 'cause i can't.".

and when you come out of, you're worn down, but grateful for the rest. things feel better. remember that feeling in your chest you used to get after you cried when you were little?
almost like you're breathing easier? its a good feeling. and not only do you feel better, you are better. you actually did something right, and maybe when that situation rolls around again, you'll already know what to do. its how we learn.

so anyway. i thought id take a break from studying black holes and Magnetospheric Eternally Collapsing Objects to reflect. yeah. i know. its not over. but its close. most importantly, ive given up. its all up hill from here, and thats the little bit of comfort i need.