a small difference

someone smart said this: "i dont drink, i just dont see the appeal. maybe im better for it, or maybe im just always sober. who knows. who cares.". that person has a clue. more of a clue than ive got. i wish i said that, or even COULD say that, but in truth, its not that easy to let it slide by. the truth is that for years, everytime someonesays they are going to go out drinking, and it doesnt matter if its someone i know well or just some jerk on the bus, but everytime i here those words, a little part of me just goes "ugh". a little bit of me just gets repulsed and, can i admit it, disappointed.

i guess i dont have a straight up view of the whole situation. yeah, mine is a little bit jaded. im not going to get on a pity party or the complain train. its just that the only thing i have ever seen come out of that seemingly harmless liquid is destruction and misery. thats it, i mean, even at parties, when pople are having fun, it looks fake, when someone laughs, its at some drunk dudes expense. then i start hearing stories of people getting taken advantage of or just straight up raped, and i hate it that its hard for me to feel sorry for those poeple at all. mostly itsjust the family and friends that ive seen get screwed over byt it, and the list is pretty long. so then someone says theyre gonna go out drinking, or saying how drunk theyre gonna get, and its like if i think its ok to do that, im pretty much looking at all the hell my family and friends went through and syaing "thats no big deal". and when someone you used to be good friends with gets killed by a drunk driver, it IS a big deal. then you consider that virtually everyone in my age bracket does this, and its like jeez. no wonder i get alittle bit frustrated by whats happening.

so in the end, its just never ok. it never has been, and i dont think it ever will be. and i guess for the rest of my life, everytime someone says they are going to get drunk, or everytime i see that beer can on a table, im gonna get a little bit....nerved. it would be a hell of alot easier to not care, but i think if i didnt care, id be at the bottle as much as everyone else. and given my personality and habits, that owuld be a bad day indeed.

hence, a large part of why i thought i could never date a girl who drinks. i just didnt want to feel that little bit of edge towards a girlfriend. its not cool to look at your own girlfriend and be totally unattracted to her for those few hours. not good for a relationship.

so i always said i couldnt date a girl who drinks. i never thought i could either, until i met you, and then i realized that hey, maybe i could. maybe its worse in thought than it is in reality. i always figured that if i met someone super special, it would be something id overlook becuase otherwse id be throwing away a million good things about someone just becuase i dont like one thing. hence, you.

i guses i should have figured that URI wasnt the place to go if i wanted to hang with sober people, and by that i dont mean people who are just sober at that moment, but people who are permanently sober. i mean, i know one person who doesnt drink. just one. i alwasy wanted to meet a group of people or sometrhing that doesnt drink at all, i mean, people who never ever touch the stuff tend to think differently, and have a different and unique type of personality. one thas generally pretty cool be around. i met a bunch at MCC and we all got along super well. but that group doesnt exist, atleast not here. the percentage of people who dont drink at URI is so close to zero that it is negligible. im negligible. interesting.

i dont know. just such a small difference that makes such a big difference. it sucks thats it a huge difference, and it sucks that i care. it sucks that it bothers me at all, and i kinda wonder what life would be like if i drank just as heavily as everyone else. would probably be alot easier. i wouldnt have to go to a party and wonder where everyone went. i wouldnt have to be disappointed by 99% of my own generation. basically, it would be alot fewer times that id be bummed out, and thats usually a good thing. for now, the best that ic an say is that i dont drink, i dont see the appeal. maybe im better for it or maybe im just always sober. who knows. but what i cant say is "who cares". because i care. more than i should. more than i wnat to.